Ouija Shark

July 17, 2020

Summer 2020 is in full force, and even though a lot of people are still boarded up in their homes, there's plenty of beach bums hitting the shores soaking in the sunshine. We're still a couple weeks out until Shark Week hits shores starting on August 9th, but what's a better way to prepare for the festivities than with a shark horror, and this time we're gonna need a bigger board as we summon the OUIJA SHARK! The film was written by David A. Lloyd and directed by Scott Patrick and has been gaining a reputation for being abysmally bad, so of course I had to check it out for myself and find out if people were just being harsh or if the shark really bites. I came across the trailer for this movie a few weeks ago and instantly knew I had to check it out because who the fuck doesn't wanna see a ghost shark get summoned by a couple hot chicks, and then see people get eaten alive?! If that's not your thing, maybe the movies we watch at Soulless Cult just aren't for you! So I finally got the chance to sit down and see what Patrick's finned horror is all about, and man... if you're like me and enjoy cheesy horror that knows its cheesy as fuck, then Ouija Shark is gonna be a bloody good time for you! If you're a more serious horror fan who needs every movie to have a deep, emotionally driven plot... look elsewhere cause this movie will blow. I'm not gonna lie though, for a quick hour long movie with cute girls, a ghost shark, some terrible acting and a dreadful ending, Ouija Shark was actually a fun late-night showing.

 

If you somehow couldn't guess the storyline to this fin-tastically cheesy flick, a chick named Jill (Steph Goodwin) goes to the beach where a ouija board washes up on the shore. She picks it up and brings it to her friends house where a bunch of college girls are having a girls weekend - and they end up pulling out the board to attempt to summon a ghost. To their surprise, the ghost they contact only has one message for them: it's hungry. Before they know it, a ghost shark is summoned out of the board and begins its reign of terror over the girls and the people in their neighborhood. Will the girls be able to banish the shark back into the ouija board, or will the shark devour the lives of the babes before they can stop it?! Find out in... OUIJA SHARK!

 

By now, I'd hope you'd understand that this movie is silly, it's stupid, it's cheesy - and it knows it is. The movie actually starts off pretty normal but it doesn't take long before the silliness begins to show, as the college girls summon a motherfucking ghost shark out of a ouija board. The shark actually looks pretty freakin' cool but it feels like everytime you see it, it's always the exact same image just being superimposed over a different background, haha! The animation itself doesn't really move much, just the image gets moved which makes it look even more ridiculous, but after a couple times it's pretty funny. The sharks appearances are pretty stupid and the kills are dull as hell, but there's just something that keeps the momentum going in the movie and doesn't make you want to shut it off just yet. It's not the shark, it's not the girls... I don't know what it is but I'll be honest, I enjoyed my hour spent with the movie! The acting from the group of girls honestly isn't even all that bad, it's nothing spectacular but nothing dreadful; the dreadful acting comes from the main character Jill's father who gets sucked into the movie by being called in to try and help dig deeper for some reasoning as to why the shark is haunting the girls and how to stop it. His enthusiasm to save his daughter literally couldn't be any less and his over-the-top reaction to a psychic medium is flat out laughable. The police officer and his brother-in-law aren't any better, as their forced enthusiasm physically hurts.

 

The main point to get across with this review is the films acknowledgement that its stupid and it's not meant to be serious. I mean, in one scene the chicks are all in their bathing suits by the pool and the next, there's snow on the ground and the cop is talking about how cold it is. And when Jill wants to use the board but doesn't have a planchette, she uses the barrel of a gun - I mean, what?! If viewers watch this movie thinking you're going to get a high budget Hollywood horror, I don't think you know anything about the genre. I wouldn't be surprised if the crew behind this movie meant for this to be a mock-film on all of the shark horrors (Sharknado 1-6, 2-Headed Shark Attack, 3-Headed Shark Attack, Sharktopus, Dinoshark... there's plenty to go around) that we've been plagued with the last decade or so. If you go into the movie with this in mind, I think you'll have a hell of a good laugh and enjoy it. The ending, I promise you, is going to be the most absurd, out of control, out of place, weirdly timed, strangely done, random as fuck ending you might ever see in a horror. That alone might make this movie worth the watch, to be honest, hahaha! And hey, even if you think the film is abysmal, in the very least you'll get to see some babes in their bathing suits! Check it out!!

 

 

 

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